LIKE YOUR YOUNGER BROTHER begging for $5, NCEA can be manipulated. These 5 study hacks were previously only known to the privileged offspring of NZQA employees. Tightly held family secrets, passed down through the generations, they were handed to us under a cloak of darkness in a poorly lit corner of Mojo Coffee Roasters, Exchange Lane, Auckland by a disgruntled former employee. We honour their wishes today by sharing these study hacks with the entire NCEA student population. Because here at LearnCoach, we believe everyone should benefit from nepotism.
Study Hack No. 1 - Seduce your teachers and supervisors
Unless you’ve committed tax fraud, we all love ourselves some attention. Teachers are no different – they’re suckers for students who seem to care. It’s important to remember that flattering your teachers and supervisors is the same as other types of flattery. You’re not doing it from the goodness of your heart, you’re doing it because you want something. And what you want is to be able to get away with murder. When people like you they will help you and let’s be honest, if you’re reading this article, you need serious help. When you forget to do your homework, when you forget to study for that test, when you forget to wear your school uniform correctly, remember flattery. If it wasn’t meant to be used, the art of seduction wouldn’t exist. When was the last time you told your teacher that you like the way the morning sunlight hits their alabaster skin? Or the way their moustache bristles with excitement every time there are free donuts in the staffroom? Teachers are people too and like most people, they love a little flattery. No one is immune from flattery, especially anti-vaxxers.
Study Hack No. 2 – Get your parents on side
Did you know your school is even more terrified of your parents than you are? Imagine someone was paying you $20,000 in pocket money every year. You wouldn’t want that to go away, would you now? Just like Brodie Retallick’s face, this is 100% real. If you enrol somewhere else, your school will miss out on thousands of dollars from the Government. This is why schools will do everything they can to keep your parents happy. Be kind to your parents and get them on side. Not because you love them (you don’t), but because when you can’t be bothered studying - or you don’t get the grades you were after - you’re going to need to pull a few strings. How long is a piece of string? However long your parents tell the school to make it. Whatever you’re having problems with at school, whatever you do, DO NOT take responsibility for your actions or learn to stand on your own two feet. Get your parents to complain.
Side note: if you have to ask your parents for study help, don’t. Secondly, if you do, keep the conversation on topic. For example, don’t make the classic mistake of allowing a discussion about algebra turn into a discussion about how you take the roof over your head for granted and why you need to move out the day after your last exam. Talk to your parents for study help, but under no circumstances, form a relationship with them. It will only lead to happiness, which completely defeats the purpose of NCEA.
Study Hack No. 3 – Play sport
Every school (except for the successful ones) is deeply ashamed of their empty trophy cabinets. If you have any sporting ability, you must come to realise that it is your purpose in life to fill these cabinets of shame. If you’re good at sport, you can get out of literally any class – even sport class - and people will still think of you as a focused and motivated person. As a result of your extraordinarily average sporting gifts, in every area of your life other than sport, your school and your peers will lower their expectations of you as a person to zero. This includes everything from completing your study, to completing your sentences, to completing basic hygiene. You don’t need to show your working when you show athletic prowess. Or in the case of esports, prowess.
Study Hack No. 4 – Play obscure sports
If you have zero sporting ability, you can become a regional or national rep for a sport nobody cares about and nobody has heard of. It requires way less effort than becoming good at a sport everyone has heard of, like rugby or making fun of David Seymour. You can achieve exactly the same result for way less effort. Your school will only be too happy to let you out of class if you’re in with a shot at becoming the South Taranaki curling champion. Your school doesn’t care that nobody gives two paddles about canoe polo, if there are trophies involved, study is no longer important. If you don’t want to study, put your school’s needs first. And every school’s one true need is to be good at sport.
Study Hack No. 5 – Nigerian Prince
A once-wealthy Nigerian Prince needs your help. In exchange for immediate financial assistance, he will reward you with 40 excellence credits and one 2011 Rugby World Cup commemorative coin. He promises to pay you back ten-fold, once he’s back on his feet. Please send cash immediately to 2 Hobson Street, Auckland. Gold, frankincense and myrrh also accepted. No EFTPOS.